- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
- Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Quotes
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