A man and a friend are playing golf one day

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Irony of Life ....

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their

luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive

clothes and stuff.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have

something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always

just "an old rag."

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag," they still

expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they

don't believe you.

Wisdom:

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS AGO, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND

SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO, WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR,

SLEPT ON SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT

TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD."

"NOW WE HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA

SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME

THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR OLD, AND SHE WOULD MAKE

SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A

CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND

WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Lie CAREFULLY to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey,I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll like the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K

After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks..... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely...... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better...............

Best Divorce Letter EVER!!!!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.  I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Her letter:

Dear Ex -Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to

drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

You always carry my photo in your wallet.

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

Husband: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Husband: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means,

With Idiot For Ever

I bought 3 movie tickets

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why Three? 

Husband: For you and your parents

Difference between Friend & Wife

Difference between Friend & Wife

U can Tell ur Friend “U r my Best Friend”

But Do u have courage tell to ur Wife

“U r my Best Wife?”

A Ques Asked In A Talent Test

A Ques Asked In A Talent Test:
If You Are Married To 1 Of The Twin Sisters, How wud You Recognize Your WIFE?

The Best Answer
- Why d Hell Should I recognise?

What do u think

Wife to Husband:

"Come Help Me in Garden.."

Husband:

"Wat do U think I am? A Gardener??" :O

Wife:

"Come Fix the Toilet Faucet..!"

Husband:

What do U Think I am? A Plumber??" :O

Wife:

"Come fix the Door Handle.."

Husband:

What do U Think I am? A Carpenter?? :O

[The Husband Went Out but When He came Back,

He Saw that Everything was Fixed..!

The Garden, Toilet Faucet & the Door Handle..!]

He Asked his Wife Who did It??

The Wife Said:

"Its the Neighbor's Pintu's Father,

But He gave Me two Options...

Either to Make Him a Burger;

Or have A Kiss With Him..!"

Husband:

I'm Sure, U gave Him a Burger..! :))

Wife:

"What do U Think I am?

'Mc'Donalds' !!!

The best years of my life

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage Quotes

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Conolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: 1) everything I say, and 2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much......Monogamy ? It's the same" - Oscar Wilde.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns.

"How do most men define marriage ? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." - Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Sydney Smith.

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.

"What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ? The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker.

Marriage is an institution

Marriage is love

Love is blind

Therefore: Marriage is an institution for the blind

I married Miss Right... Then i found out first name was 'Always'

Marriage is an institution, but i'm not mad enough to be institutionalized.

If you want to know what your wife/girlfriend will look like in 30 years time, just look at her mother

A couple had been married for 45 years

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."