Wedding Nights

Man to Wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with???

Wife to Man: Of course Honey, I stayed awake with all the others!!!

The best years of my life

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and Applause.

A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went; "ahhhh!" with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing first degree burns from boiling cooking oil.

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste!

Women are Complex Creatures

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman

If you don't, you are not a man

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp

If you don't, you are not understanding

If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring

If you talk, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk



In short:



So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

So damning, yet so wonderful...

Women's Lib

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw

nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."